The mis-adventures of Silvio Berlusconi!

               "Better to be fond of beautiful girls than gay" - Silvio Berlusconi

In case you haven't already heard, Silvio Berlusconi, Italy's beloved Prime minister, has gotten himself into a rather titillating situation. At the ripe old age of 74 you would think that Berlusconi's days of crazed debauchery were long over. This could not be further away from the truth!!! Last January the PM was placed under criminal investigation for allegedly having sex with an underage prostitute and for abusing his power by bailing this insanely hot hooker out of jail in October 2010. To respond to this scrotum tightining accusation, Berlusconi hilariously quoted: "I've never paid a woman. I never understood where the satisfaction is when you're missing the pleasure of conquest." Believe it or not there are still some people who think that the media have simply made up this rouse to damage the Italian PM's repretation, but if we take a little look on Berlusconi's past we may be able to take this matter to bed once and for all (no pun intended).

In April 2009, Berlusconi chose young, attractive female candidates with little or no political experience to represent his party in the European Parliament elections. This pissed off his wife Veronica Lario so much that she wrote open letters of complaint stating that it was not likely that her marriage would last. Berlusconi was also fond of attending 18th birthday parties of girls who he had little connection with. His wife soon filed for divorce stating that her husband was not even present at his own son's 18th and that she could not "remain with a man who consorted with minors."

One of Berlusconi's young lady friends, Noemi Letizia revealed to the press that the PM likes it when she calls him "papi" (daddy) and that he promised to take care of her career as showgirl or politician or whatever she opted to pursue. Even though this sounds very suspicious on Berlusconi's behalf, the PM maintained that he never had "spicy" relations with this girl, swearing on his children's heads.

In November 2010, a 17 year old Moroccan prostitute known as Ruby Rubacuori claimed to have been given $10,000 by Berlusconi at parties at his private villas. The girl told prosecutors in Milan that these events were like orgies where Berlusconi and 20 young women performed an African-style ritual known as the "bunga bunga" in the nude. Now far be it from me to come to such henious conclusions, but I'm pretty sure that Berlusconi's days of escorted sexual inablers are over...

15 words that will make you sound smart!

1. Sesquipedalian (ses⋅qui⋅pe⋅da⋅li⋅an) - adjective: using long words: characterized by the use of long words
2. Plenipotentiary (plen⋅i⋅po⋅ten⋅ti⋅ar⋅y) - noun: Having full power: invested with complete authority to act independently
3. Nudiustertian (nu⋅di⋅us⋅ter⋅tian) - adjective: The day before yesterday
4. Charientism (char·i·en·tis·m) - noun: A figure of speech wherein a taunting expression is softened by a jest; an insult veiled in grace.
5. Obfuscate (ob·fus·cate) - verb: To confuse, bewilder or stupefy.
6. Vicissitude (vi⋅cis⋅si⋅tude) - noun: Regular change or succession from one thing to another.
7. Heliolatry (he·li·ol·a·try) To worship the sun.
8. Facetious (fa·ce·tious) - adjective: Intended to be humorous but often silly or inappropriate. *The only word in the English language to have all the vowels in order.
9. Autochthonous (au·toch·tho·nous) - adjective: Formed or originating in the place where found.
10. Oscitant (os·ci·tant ) - adjective: Drowsy or inattentive.
11. Perseverate (per·sev·er·ate) - verb: To repeat something insistently or redundantly.
12. Logomachy (lo·gom·a·chy) - noun: An argument marked by the reckless or incorrect use of words.
13. Defenestrate (de·fen·es·trate) - verb: To throw something or somebody out of a window.
14. Pandiculation (pan⋅dic⋅u⋅la⋅tion) - noun:  The act of streching and yawning.
15. Blatherskite (blath⋅er⋅skite) - noun: talkative person: somebody who enjoys silly or unimportant chat. 


Procrastination is like masturbation.  At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself...  

I first decided to write about this exciting topic around 12.30 today during my afternoon lunch of bangers and mash. The college restaurant was particularly busy and I was waiting in the queue for over 10 minutes before the chef asked me whether I'd like a small or large portion of food. Now I had a big breakfast so I wasn't that hungry but since I'd been waiting for so long I decided that I deserved a treat. I got the large portion! The chef then asked me if I wanted curry or gravy over my bangers and mash and I looked at him as if he had two heads. Who the fuck has curry over bangers and mash? I asked for gravy - but not too much.

                               Anyway, back to the topic!!!

Procrastination is about colour coordinating your books, checking your emails, staring out your window, making cups of tea, petting your dog, chasing a fly or daydreaming into space. Its about doing multiple things at once without getting 1 thing done. Even at this very moment I'm more preoccupied with watching the Simpsons and stalking celebrities on Twitter than with writing this post. According to google the only way to stop procrastinating is to dicipline yourself by setting realistic goals and to prioritse everything you do. As for me I'll start to kick the habit as soon as I'm done pairing up my socks.


Obeying the rules at home

When I look back on my childhood I wonder how I survived at all. Growing up in a traditional Irish Catholic home came with its fair share of strict rules and punishments. Now I'm not saying that my life was like something out of Angela's Ashes but my pre-adolescence was very rule abiding nonetheless. Break one of my parents rules and it was the belt or wooden spoon across the arse! I remember how much I hated going to mass on Sundays and how I broke my father's heart by telling him that I didn't believe in God or Gaelic football for that matter. When I entered into my teenage years however things lightened up a whole lot. I was given a good deal of independence and an even greater opportunity to make my own mistakes, but no matter how much autonomy I was given I still had to follow my parents old-age saying "If you live under this roof you live under our rules!!"
This children's story was written in 1845 by a creepy German man named Heinrich Hoffmann. He used horrifying fear tactics in his picture book Struwwelpeter as a means to get children to follow the not-so-serious rules of their parents. The story of little suck-a-thumb was the tale that terrified me the most. I have no idea what my mother was thinking when she read it to me.


How to get ready for a night out

Assuming that the majority of my readers are heterosexual males, I take it that hygiene and bodily maintenance aren't on your list of top priorities. I'll admit that most guys do follow a basic sanitary routine when hitting the town, but is it really enough to win the approval of the opposite sex? You lazy smelly fat bastards need to realise that a well groomed appearance is just as important as any sleazy chat up line or pervy erotic dance in some trendy club. Drunk chicks don't care about your personality or "inner beauty", all they really want is a fit guy with a happenin style or at best someone who looks like they have lots of money. Also keep in mind that looking slick isn't just for the ladies benefit. People are more inclined to take you seriously and listen to what you have to say if you take care of your appearance. Here is a useful list of grooming and maintenance tips to help you look your best. 

Shaving: Get yourself a decent razor. Disposables are too unreliable and wont give you a close enough shave.
When your in the shower clean your face with a natural bar of soap. This will soften the bristles and make for a better shave. Run a razor smoothly over your face, shaving with the grain. After rinsing your face with water, reapply your shaving foam and this time go against the grain for the smoothest results. Rinse again with cold water. This will close the pores and prevent dirt from getting into your skin. Apply a soothing shaving balm to prevent your skin from drying out.
Acne: Place a fresh clean towel on your pillow before you go to bed. Say goodbye to acne! (I have no idea how this one works)
Feet: Step into the shower without touching the foot towel (stepping onto the towel will put your feet bacteria on it), wash feet thoroughly and step onto a small clean towel until dry, then put on clean socks.   
Body hair: Trim your eyebrows, ear hairs and nose hairs. Ask your barber to shave the back of your neck. 
Genitalia: Wash your scrotum everyday and put baby powder down there to keep it fresh. Don't shave your pubes, trim the hair instead to keep everything neat and tidy.
Fingernails: Trim your finger nails every fortnight. File them don't bite them!
Skin: Use lots of moisturiser to keep your skin dehydrated and glossy looking.
Oral Hygiene: Want to know if your breath stinks? Lick your wrist 
and smell it, yes its nasty. Solution: Get a tongue scraper to get rid of that crap stuck to the back of your tongue.
Hair: Figure out which length works best for you. The longer your 
hair is the more you need to wash it. Gel is fine but don't overdo it.
Clothes: Forget logos. A nice fitting shirt is more important than the logo placed on it. Make sure the seam on top of the sleeves matches where the edge of your shoulders are. If they aren't, the shirt doesn't fit properly. Hats and shoes are the only exceptions to this rule. It is hard to find hats without obvious logos, and dress shoes are pretty much the only shoes to come logoless. Keep your jeans free of large holes. If so, the hole(s) should be limited to the shins. Absolutely NO knee/thigh holes. Having the ends of the legs frayed from normal wear is not only acceptable, its preferred. A pair of pants is good for about a week. After that you need to wash them. A shirt is good for anywhere between 1-5 days, depending on whether or not you were sweating in it. Make sure you have at least one suit.


Trippin balls in college!

After 5 glorious weeks of no lectures I am finally back in college! With a brand new semester in full swing all my past sins have been forgiven forgotten :) I still cant believe how fast this year is going, before I know it I'll be in my 3rd year and graduating or else get expelled for some reckless shenanigan that I didnt do. The only downside of college yesterday was that I spent the entire day trippin balls on LSD and couldn't really follow what was going on. OK, well I didn't actually take any drugs but in the giving circumstance I was in another world altogether. You see, the night before last was the worst night of sleep that I ever had. In fact no such occurrence of sleep had even taken place. After about 4 hours of tossing and turning I gave up on the aspect of a peaceful slumber and spent the rest of the night listening to music. At this point I knew I was screwed and decided the only way I'd survive the day was to have caffeine continuously running through my veins. By the time I got on the bus I felt like a total zombie, the lights were on but there was nobody home. Surprisingly my first class wasn't that bad. 6 people were chosen to act out a mock political debate and the rest of us had to throw difficult and confusing questions at them. Around 1.00pm that day I was in a state of comical hysteria. I exploded into fits of laughter at the most random and ridiculous things and whenever someone said anything remotely dull or uninteresting I'd begin to feel the weight of my own tiredness and slip into an emotionless gaze. I was reminded of this documentary I once saw about this American lad who actually developed an inability to sleep and eventually died of this unceasing deprivation. It seems mad now but on my journey home the thought about losing the ability to sleep worried the shit out of me.
By the time I arrived home I could literally feel the strain of having to keep my eyes open and eventually manged to drag myself up to bed where I had the best 13 hours sleep of my life.