By Ian Begley
Assuming that the majority of my readers are heterosexual males, I take it that hygiene and bodily maintenance aren't on your list of top priorities. I'll admit that most guys do follow a basic sanitary routine when hitting the town, but is it really enough to win the approval of the opposite sex? You lazy smelly fat bastards need to realise that a well groomed appearance is just as important as any sleazy chat up line or pervy erotic dance in some trendy club. Drunk chicks don't care about your personality or "inner beauty", all they really want is a fit guy with a happenin style or at best someone who looks like they have lots of money. Also keep in mind that looking slick isn't just for the ladies benefit. People are more inclined to take you seriously and listen to what you have to say if you take care of your appearance. Here is a useful list of grooming and maintenance tips to help you look your best.
Shaving: Get yourself a decent razor. Disposables are too unreliable and wont give you a close enough shave.
When your in the shower clean your face with a natural bar of soap. This will soften the bristles and make for a better shave. Run a razor smoothly over your face, shaving with the grain. After rinsing your face with water, reapply your shaving foam and this time go against the grain for the smoothest results. Rinse again with cold water. This will close the pores and prevent dirt from getting into your skin. Apply a soothing shaving balm to prevent your skin from drying out.
Acne: Place a fresh clean towel on your pillow before you go to bed. Say goodbye to acne! (I have no idea how this one works)
Feet: Step into the shower without touching the foot towel (stepping onto the towel will put your feet bacteria on it), wash feet thoroughly and step onto a small clean towel until dry, then put on clean socks.
Body hair: Trim your eyebrows, ear hairs and nose hairs. Ask your barber to shave the back of your neck.
Genitalia: Wash your scrotum everyday and put baby powder down there to keep it fresh. Don't shave your pubes, trim the hair instead to keep everything neat and tidy.
Fingernails: Trim your finger nails every fortnight. File them don't bite them!
Skin: Use lots of moisturiser to keep your skin dehydrated and glossy looking.
Oral Hygiene: Want to know if your breath stinks? Lick your wrist
and smell it, yes its nasty. Solution: Get a tongue scraper to get rid of that crap stuck to the back of your tongue.
Hair: Figure out which length works best for you. The longer your
hair is the more you need to wash it. Gel is fine but don't overdo it.
Clothes: Forget logos. A nice fitting shirt is more important than the logo placed on it. Make sure the seam on top of the sleeves matches where the edge of your shoulders are. If they aren't, the shirt doesn't fit properly. Hats and shoes are the only exceptions to this rule. It is hard to find hats without obvious logos, and dress shoes are pretty much the only shoes to come logoless. Keep your jeans free of large holes. If so, the hole(s) should be limited to the shins. Absolutely NO knee/thigh holes. Having the ends of the legs frayed from normal wear is not only acceptable, its preferred. A pair of pants is good for about a week. After that you need to wash them. A shirt is good for anywhere between 1-5 days, depending on whether or not you were sweating in it. Make sure you have at least one suit.